Since my tragic emo teen period, I’ve fantasized about dying my eyebrows a “funny” color. The pictures of Jeffree Star on Instagram always made me think pink eyebrows were the coolest thing on earth, but I thought I was probably the only one. But after Balenciaga’s Autumn/Winter 2023 show, it seems I was wrong. How cool is that? It means I can finally dye my eyebrows with the full seal of fashion approval and without looking like a retarded teen.
I went straight to Camden and jumped in the first goth shop. There, I hesitated between blue and pink; boy or girl? I took the lagoon blue dye, went home, found the bleach that I used for my other style failures, and said goodbye to my dear old brown eyebrows. At this point, everything was fine; I was confident about my new style.
First, I had to bleach my eyebrows. This was a total nightmare. After ten minutes, it started to burn like crazy, and I had to remove the product. My eyebrows were ginger.
My brows were more Napoleon Dynamite than Cameron Diaz. When my flatmate saw my face, he started to laugh like a donkey. I persevered, hoping it’d work better on the second go.
This time, I got little pimples all around my eyebrows. When I removed the bleach, it was a little bit better. “You look like a fucking alien,” he said. He was right. I started to get seriously worried.
I spread the blue on my eyebrows only to see them go GREEN. At this point, I started talking to myself, saying stuff like, “Why the hell are you so stupid? Can’t you go to a beautician like everybody else?
God, you’re soooooo DIY, you stupid bitch, look at you! Fuck Jeffree Star, fuck Balanciaga!” After sobbing about how ugly I was for an hour, I finally left the bathroom, hoping to be consoled by my boyfriend. “Oh shit,” he said, “I don’t know if i want to have sex with you anymore.”
After one day of living with my witch-brow, I still can’t decide if my eyebrows are just hideous or actually pretty cool after all. You decide.
Written by Dora Moutot
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