Vice Style

OK, so I am gonna level with you here. Before last night's Pam Hogg show, I had never been to a "proper" catwalk show before. Why, I am not entirely sure. Fashion has always been of interest to me, but more on a scale of buying Jordans and old metal shirts and leather jackets, not spending $700 on some socks made out of the uteruses of dodos. For some reason buying outrageously expensive items of clothing has never really been my thing, but there sure were a lot of people at this show rocking thousands of pounds of outfit. Saying that, I didn't really see anyone who looked amazing, amazing, but, I have NEVER SEEN so many hot chicks in all my life in one place. It was almost like my dick versus reporting from fashion week. 

Luckily, I knew that Pam Hogg makes booty-enlarging multi-panel catsuits—so I was pretty psyched for both my dick and fashion week. I do not in any way look like the type of guy who should be at a top tier show as I am not gay, a model, or rich-looking. This seemed to be pretty obvious to all inside, where my ticket was checked by maybe six-to-eight different 'attendants'—about five more than had checked my boarding pass at the airport on the way back from Norway last week, seriously. Anyways, here's some of what I saw, once inside.

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This guy was sat two rows in front of me and looked like a dandelion who had a fight with a triple-divorcee who works at the make-up counter in an airport.

This was the adjacent front row. I don't really know much about fashion slebs so I have no idea who any of these people are/if they are important—or as important as their body language seems to dictate—or if they are even relevant. The chick in the middle was cracking. Well, would would have been except for her air of "oh, who is that" periscoping, while intermittently checking her iPhone for NO MESSAGES.

Mickey Rourke was there. I'm not gay or anything, but I'd still give him one. Why not. Btw, all I had to do to get this pic was have a camera in my hand. Somehow, even though he had his back to me, he knew to turn around to have his picture taken. Cheese?

Okay, so then the lights went down and having been to see David Copperfield as a wee lad, I knew this meant it was show time. I had this really futuristic androgynous fashionista in front of me whose hair looked like a Flying Saucer candy. This event posed more 'is that a guy or a girl?' dilemmas than a night out at Trannyshack.

The use of music was very important, to me anyways. The sounds seemed perfectly curated for each look and actually started, very briefly, with a few bars of Ry Cooder's "Paris, Texas", from the movie of the same name. Then came some Cajun music that my dad used to blare out of the car while dropping me off at primary school. Thanks dad, that was deeply embarrassing. The bow-tied chinstrap looked pretty olde America and definitely made the Cajun music seem relevant. The models looked like alien Frida Kahlo asexual robots from a future black metal universe where Roy Batty aka Nexus 6 is senator.

There was a lot of nipple-action, both completely bare and of the protruding-through-the-Lycra sort. And sequins? Not sure sequins are actually very futuristic, at all, but hey. At this point, I was taking pics with one hand and writing notes on my phone with the other. My dick was not winning the battle.

Then the music got a bit tame and bow-ties were added to the headwear. I couldn't quite figure how the models were getting in and out of these catsuits and back onto the runway so fast, but I did find out at the show's finale...

"Hi, I can't find any Fairy liquid, are you guys sold out or something?" One of the questions you might ask while wearing this little number to Tesco.

Man, I really liked this one. Yes, it has some steampunk undertones—not the first time steampunk has been mentioned at this year's fashion week—but she looks more like Mary Poppins meets Elizabeth Bathory. Okay, I think it was the rubber and the boobs, but I am not gonna lie, she was incredible.

There was a crescendo of not-very good music as the foil and fur entered, which sounded like James Lavelle having a fight/beat-off competition with Noel Gallagher. The patch of fur, which looked like the thickest muff outside of Latvia, wrapped around the back was kinda weird and had me wondering if this was going to turn out as some sort of fury cosplay sex thing...

Until it got racy when the lacey shit got broke out. Shit, I take back all I said. I am sure I'm not the first to say this about Pam's work, but this really reminded me of Metropolis.

Then some more bow-ties were added to preserve the modesty of the models. I wrote very little at this point, ha ha.

I am not sure I mentioned the huge hats. I mean, you can see them, I know, but they were covered with fur, bow-ties, sequins, and more, throughout.

The soundtrack got way spacey when the white and peach tones were on the catwalk. The audience certainly approved of this creation above, with a sort of sporadic bursting out of nervous applause. I tried to clap, but the sound of the camera in my left hand and the phone in my left was as pathetic as my pleading for a front row seat.

It kinda went all wedding in a Star Wars prequel for a bit, which, honestly, was the weakest part of the show for me, but the crowd seemed to love that bit best.

And them BAM! this happened. Underwear-tighteningly better!

I dunno who the lady to the right of the model's perfect derrière is, but she caused a paps frenzy when she entered. Anyways, she couldn't look at this ensemble, it seems.

And that was that. Nice hat in the front row, guy.

Remember when I said I couldn't quite fathom how all the models got changed so quick? Well, they didn't! Somehow they managed to find models that, with the same terrifying make-up, all looked exactly-the-fucking-same. For the record, I'd totally fuck Pam Hogg, not that anyone cares, or is taking records.

And with that everyone got up and tried to leave. But what about all the babes? I wanted to get some pics and this chick was literally right in front of me as I stood up. I barely even lifted my camera arm up before she was pulling this pose, which led me to believe she was either a model or an airhead. Or an airhead model? Either way she was a wet dream personified. Sorry.

 

PHOTOS & TEXT: DYLAN HUGHES

TAGGED: Pam Hogg, London Fashion Week, Lfw